A sense of being closer to a dead end

Lately I have felt as though I'm about to be thrown in a prison cell through no fault of my own. It's the situation I'm getting forced into as I can't afford to support myself yet. I'd love to be able to if I get the chance I have no problem bustin my ass over long hours everyday to get where I want to be. It's just getting that opportunity that's the hardest part. I know I haven't written a blog entry in awhile because I'm so busy! I've still gotta do the Christmas Shopping sometime very soon! I have been looking over a journal that I have next to my bed that I write in sometimes when I'm struggling to cope with my emotions and can't get to sleep. I've noticed that most of it has been sad and miserable like but mostly sad. I used to be on antidepressants for a different problem that wasn't mental. Although a doctor asked me a few years ago if I was depressed but I guess I was too shy and anxious to admit it. I'm not taking them anymore but I feel I may need them again but don't really want to go to the doctor and ask for antidepressants and admit that I have depression. Because it would make me look bad. I haven't seen my counsellor in 6 months because they started going on quite a few holidays and well I never really got to see them frequently enough. Which made me feel like I had to deal with my own problems on my own. Which some I'm experiencing at the moment I'm probably not so sure how to deal with.

When the whole world seems as thought it's gonna crash on you

Hey everyone sorry I have to crap on about another bad day I seem to get alot of them. The first half was not so bad it's just when I had to go to Uni. I'm doing an Audio Course and I've RPL'ed (Recognition for Prior Learning) that Subject that the other guys tried to get me to do because I haven't done any work on it. But I don't have to I've already dove something like this and I don't feel like doing it all over again especially if I'm not going to get any credit for it anyway so I'm waisting my time besides these other guys had this studio booked who I would consider friends. They need a go too and I saw all the buggers drive past me as I was walking home. All they want to do is go and get pissed I mean they were only in Year 12 just last year anyway most of them. Thanks everyone for letting me rant and rave about everything in my life. You might learn something from it I hope you all do. I'm happy to give anyone advice. You might be able to teach me a thing or two! I'm all ears!

Well I think today might've turned out reasonably well except for a few fuckups I made and having a little toilet trouble 1st thing in the bloody morning. Today is the day of the big Music Database Launch at Uni. We were the engineers both recording live in the surround studio and engineering live. Afterwards when everything was packed up and everyone left I got really depressed although I was happy throughout the day. I am still depressed and can't understand why. The only thing I can come up with is that I've become suddenly depressed because I know that I'll be alone again all weekend and that I hadn't successfully recorded every song I was asked to do properly. I feel worthless, a failure. Knowing that I've managed to pull this kinda thing off before successfully. I ended up going to bed early and of course still depressed. I actually went to bed early 2 nights in a row. By now I am desperately wanting to be happy and not tired. I managed to do about 5000 steps not really too much stuff to do alot of housework but I'm really tired so I'll do it later.

Thoughts

Every time I walk around the block at Dad's Place I think of the barstard that did all the damage. Knowing I wasn't actually able to stop anything at the time (Because I didn't know exactly what was going on) I want to stop it from ever happening again but I know I can't stop it. I would like justice to be served and watch the guy be executed for all he has done only then will I become more safe and happy and probably a lot better healthwise too.

"I don't know why my brother is such an asshole sometimes it really upsets me and he doesn't even recognize it. I hope to God not all guys are like that and I don't want to end up with one that is"

Today was quite boring actually. I've been asking myself Why do I want to be a Sound Engineer when I'm not physically able to lug gear around. I suppose I would stick to the studio. hmmm... But I don't think there's much money in that. Why did I choose to do Sound Engineering if it's this boring? I'm hoping to find some way to lose weight for the summer. I know my brain can be quite foggy like. I think it has been that way for almost a year. It must be the medication. I can't seem to be able to stop eating chocolate or junk food. It's still absolutely freezing! Well I guess I'll write more tomorrow.

After being advised to start writing a diary again I've decided to. Well what I'd like to say about today is that I can't believe Mum can still get so angry with me over nothing. She is such a selfish bitch. I can't stand the way she acts 99.9 % of the time. It's like as if she is my mother at all. She can't really be my mother can she? Mum definetely isn't the Mum I knew when I was a lot younger before she met this barstard I keep referring to as 'he'. Well I'm looking for ways to decorate my room it's so boring. It almost looks like a hospital. I drew a picture to put on my wall I've just gotta finish it and frame it. Trying to sell more stuff on eBay to earn some extra dosh (not having any luck!)

'Maybe I shall let fate take part in my life because not only is it part of me their value isn't recognized until they're out of your life again'

What a day of boredom! I kinda managed to relieve it by laying down on my cosy bed for most of the day daydreaming of laying next to my imaginary boyfriend (since I don't have a real one at the moment) who is whispering sweet comforting words while giving me a hug. I went to buy my ticketfor the bus home. Dad rang and seemed convincing that we'd actually do something next time. Should I be convinced that it will really happen? I'd love to imagine so! I got to listen to my tape that I recorded at Dad's place. I actually have started wanting to watch TV again at night too! I saw Mandy who I haven't seen in ages. Matt went over there for the afternoon. I was reminded of when I got Electricuted when I was about 5 and I never knew that I wouldn't let go of the fence I don't remember that part all I remember is being terrified!